?

Log in

Major Update Time

I haven't been here in forever.

I'm not with the boy anymore.
I am single and perfectly fine.

My friend died a while ago.
I miss her more than anything.

I can't wait for school again.
My music is way better now.

I want to move away so bad.
Have to wait until next year.

Getting my braces off very soon.
Can't wait to play without them.

Working a lot to save money.
Still broke all the time, though.

Friends barely have time for me.
Family is stupid, they don't care.

Regardless of shit, I'm still happy.
Why does it have to be Friday? While most students are saying "TGIF", I'm sitting here mad because I want to go back tomorrow. I don't want to wait until Monday. What kind of bullshit is this?

So one of my friends is officially pissed off at me because apparently I'm low and a terrible person for wanting my private teacher fired. I'm not the only one! If I remember correctly, one of the reasons she wanted to go somewhere else was because she didn't get along with him. All of the other flute students HATE HIM! With the firey passion we wish we could burn our wing down with so they would build us a new one!

But I am dead serious when I say this man has taught me absolutely nothing other than he thinks we should all quit music because we suck. I just can't deal with someone who makes me not want to touch my flute anymore. I want someone who is inspiring and actually a good teacher to teach me. The man is a faculty member at McMaster anywho, why does he need to teach lessons at Mohawk?

Aside from this, school is going well. Today, our ear training split the class up into two groups, told one group to bark the top rhythm, and the other group to meow the bottom rhythm (of a drum part) as an exercise. I couldn't handle it and burst out laughing after meowing twice. I laughed so hard I cried. It was too funny.

Aside from school, my best friend and I are going to see the LIVE FINALE OF SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE CANADA IN TORONTO ON SUNDAY! I won free tickets! I am extremely excited! Just tomorrow, then SUNDAY! OMG, I am going to die. I love the show, and I couldn't even vote this season because all of the dancers are phenomenal.

Also, another update! I now have braces. My middle school music teacher's boyfriend is an orthodontist, so he's taking care of them for me! It's really quite awesome, other than the pain. In due time, I will have straight teeth and a realigned jaw; and I will be pain-free! Yay!~

Update #100000000000000! lol! The boy I love is going away to England for three weeks in July... I know it's a long way away, but I want to cry just thinking about it. I won't be in school. What if I don't get a job? I'm going to miss him so much... Even he said three weeks is a long time, and he doesn't mind time apart. He's just so precious. We have the exact same shoes. Lilac high-top Converse. Yeah. Lilac. <3

I saw one of my old friends yesterday, too. Talking to her made me realize how much I miss all of my old friends. I've just been spending so much time with the boyfriend and my new friends to realize that my old friends are still my friends and even though I don't think of them as often, they still have a special place in my heart. I wish I had more time to see every single one of my friends. Life just doesn't work that way, sadly.

I realized that I do not write on here as often as I used to, and it's probably because I don't have as many issues as I used to... or I just bottle it up before I decide to spill it out on the internet. Whatever the reason, I suppose it's alright.

Not that anyone cares...

So my best friend is heart broken...

I'm officially pissed off...

My relationship is blooming...

Why is it not September?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

My best friend had her heart broken by a man whom she loved dearly and truly and would do anything for. I feel so bad for her because I know how it feels... only I got my boy back...  I don't know what to do or say about it other than keep telling her I love her and I'm here for her... Because I know those are the only things I cared to hear.

I am officially pissed off because my flute-playing friend/student has gotten a job. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she has... but what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can't get one??? I've been trying year-round to get a fucking job and my student gets a job before I do... I might as well just give-up because I'll never get a job and be able to move out as I've been dreaming for years.

On the bright side, my relationship with the boy I love so truly and unconditionally is beautiful. He wants to see me more often than he used to, although we only see each other once a week for an over-night sleep-over. This morning (for us; it was actually about 4pm), he called me cute when I wasn't really doing anything... he said "You're cute" I looked at him confused "...just your smile. I love you".

I miss school... I'm not motivated to do anything this summer... I can't even get out of bed unless I need to work with my mom or be somewhere to meet my friends or boyfriend. Fuck summer, I want to go back to school.

That's pretty much all I have to say (condensed)... not that anyone cares...

Permanently Complicated Love

I will lie to you, as the community of people around me, nor myself any longer. No matter the difficulty or complication of any obstacle in our way, the boy I love and myself will continue to live as a couple with a thriving love for each other; no matter how deep and blanketed it may have become in our hearts. For no matter how undesirable and unstable our relationship may seem, we can simply not live without one another.

At this important stage of our lives, we have entangled ourselves into the importance of each others being. Be it school, friend, family, or individual difficulties in our lives, each of us now rely on our lover for comfort and confirmation of truth. We cannot help but to call upon the person who knows us best to help us get through the hardest parts of life.

It is true that we are still young, naive even. We both still have many things to do before we commit ourselves completely to the hearts of each other, but why not spend the rest of those difficult times in their arms? Just because the difficulties in our individual lives may drive us apart from time to time, does not mean that we cannot still be together and in love.

Yes, I am afraid of the future crumbling and blanketing his love for me yet again, but why let that fear drive me to push him out of my life? This boy that I always speak of is such a terrifyingly large, permanent part of my life now. There are so many reasons why I cannot ever live without him by my side; why no one could ever take his place as my lover.

It is because we accept everything we are and still continue to be happy lovers that we cannot separate ourselves from each other. Everything we are is almost an individual description, after all that we have been through together. We are no longer two separate people with separate personalities and hearts, but two separate bodies with the same personality and heart.

Of course it can't end like that...

Exactly what I just said. It couldn't end the way it did. Our relationship can never truly end... We mean too much to each other.

I'm just afraid... I don't want to be hurt again... And I know that's what everyone else will worry about too... I just hope that things can stay the way they are now. The way it used to be, and should always be...

Happy.

I love him. He loves me. I want him. He needs me.

End of story? Nah, I'm just too tired to continue...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

And so it ends yet again...

The boy has officially lost his last chance with me... He's such a nice boy, a very gentle, caring, intelligent, funny boy... but with his depression, he's grown selfish. He can't focus on me, only himself. It makes sense. He needs to keep himself from jumping in front of a bus. I will always love him, of course. And in the later years, when he's able, maybe we could try this again... For now, we will be friends... because we cannot vanish from each others lives. We've been so close for too long to just part ways completely.

For now, I will focus on school. And myself. And my friends. I can't let someone's depression grab hold of me... which is what was happening. I need to be strong and happy. I need to continue to be myself, no matter how hard that may be. I need to think that in the long run, things will turn out to be great. Things may seem shitty right now, but everything will be okay. This steep, steep hill will not stop me from climbing back up.

That is all.... for now.
Every day, every moment that passes
My heart breaks that much more
To lose the first person you've ever loved
This has happened to me before

To have someone who means so much
Someone who keeps your whole world together
Then have them ripped out of your life
In the end it will never be for the better

It destroys your whole meaning of life
The whole reason why you are still alive
It all has to change or else
Because your very soul will die

When true love finds its way into life
There is no escaping its pain
Nothing can be put into the gaping hole
That it leaves behind with remains

Love should never change who you are, but when that person; that everything is ripped away from you, it can easily change everything. That person who has put themselves in the very center of your life being erased is devastating and deadly. Love's heartbreak kills emotion, feeling, and mental stability. It can very well make a person lose themselves.

Love can kill. Love does kill.

It is not easy to recover from heartbreak, Sometimes it can't happen. But we all have to try or die trying.

Why must this be so hard? I can't end this relationship because we will both want it back. I can't let go because I know he will reach for me and I will have to reach back. I need him as much as he needs me... But me being here for him means nothing. He ignores me, he neglects me, he never opens up to me. But as soon as I bring up breaking up, he's torn. He loves me, he needs me, he can't live without me, or with me. Life is too hard...

The biggest problem is that I love him too much. I care for him too much. I've built this life around him that I just can't change. This life is what I want. It is what I need, and what he needs. I know we keep coming back to this very same thing, and I've been trying to work this out for over a year now... But I just don't know if it's possible anymore. The relationship is very obviously going no where... But still, how can I let go of the very person who has shaped my life and being for the past two years?

It's not just about him being who he is, it's about me being who I am now... Being so similar to him is what could possibly drive me mad. Being so attached, and having the need to see him... the need to take care of him... the need to be loved by him... I can't live without these things I've lived with for so long... I just can't. I can't end us, because I am not able to face the world without these things... even though they make it so much harder.

-Insert meaningful title here-

So recently I started my second semester of Big Kid Music School!  Woot!

Yeah well as much as I love school, and love music - it's just so stressful. Ever since I started school it seems like everyone wants me to either hang out, teach them how to play an instrument, play in their band, help them with homework, or even let them copy my homework! It's insane! There's too much for me to handle. I've got a volunteer position I'm trying to hold, a boyfriend I'm trying so hard to keep happy, and a relationship I'm trying to rebuild with my father.

Last year, I volunteered for the Hamilton Philharmonic Orchestra. They're really amazingsauce, so you know. So I was there for every concert, even when they were happening every weekend for a while and they'd told me to take a break and watch a concert or stay home. I try so hard to impress, and apparently it worked, because they love me. But I missed the first concert this past weekend because of a family function with the boyfriend, and I might not be able to work the next one. I feel bad, but it's not like I'm being paid. I wish I was...

I've been trying to get a job forever, but it seems the only work I've been getting is teaching flute or piano lessons and a possible gig with professional musicians (which is pretty freaking awesomesauce if you ask me). One of my flute students recently quit on me, leaving me with preparing my other flute student for her audition (without being paid), and my piano student (who happens to be my boyfriend's grandmother, has already paid me in advance, and only wants 5 lessons meaning LESSON PLANS NEED TO BE MADE...). And on top of this I need a real job? Holy shitnickels!

So it's pretty much impossible to get a job, I've noticed. I think my high school drop-out boyfriend (not trying to put anyone down here) can get one easier than I can for some stupid reason. I've got plenty of experience with volunteering, and I'm a very hard, dedicated worker... The only reason they won't consider me is because the only experience I've had recently relates to music. Also, it's like impossible to find job postings for employers looking for people without retail experience... how can I get experience with retail if they won't hire me?!  Whatfuck?

Alright, so you all know the boyfriend if you've read any of my posts. He's wonderful (thanks for not asking), his medication is really working and he seems a lot happier now. So, he's been told my OSDP (which his parents are on - so he has to be on it because he's 18 and living at home... kind of like the situation I'm having with my mother being on OW) that he has to get a job, since he's not in school. Ever since he's been told that, he's been talking about maybe having enough money to move out and starts most of his sentences with "when we move out together,..." when he's talking to me.  It's slightly scary and he knows that, but extremely cute and exciting. I can't wait to live with this boy!

He makes me so happy, and recently he's been spending more time with me when I'm over. Usually he'd just sit at his MacBook Pro, talk to me from there, and come to bed when he was tired... but now he's got a sleeping schedule (roughly) which is wonderful, and we have cuddle times. On the weekend he came to lay down with me quite a few times, we just kind of embrace that closeness-time. It makes me smile. Also, usually he freaks on me when I tickle him, but he's been taking it quite well lately. On Friday he hugged me tighter, laughed, and gave me a noogie (yes, a noogie). Sometimes, he'll tickle me back, and sometimes he'll just ignore it. I like this.

On Saturday, we went to Whitby to visit his extended family. They were kind of boring, but his close family (grandparents, aunt, uncle, cousin, and parents) were there, so I talked to them. His aunt apparently wants me to go in and help her teach elementary music, since her current co-op student (who does everything for her) will be done in February. His cousin (who's 3, really shy, and won't go anywhere near him), is starting to like me and trust me. She gave me a hug, talked to me, and let me play with her. And his uncle (who's probably my favourite), is just super funny and made my day. Have I mentioned that I love his family?

Alright, well my dad and his girlfriend recently took my sister, niece, and I to IKEA. On the way home, Joy (the girlfriend) asked when she was going to get to meet my boyfriend so she can "interrogate him" after being with me for almost 2 years. My dad's picking us up from his house on Wednesday for dinner and drinks at her place... hope all goes well. It'll just be awkward if she drunkenly asks if we've had sex. I mean, I know I'm 18, but I'm not sure dad knows I'm having sex and I don't know how he'd react. Not exactly the kind of talk I want to have when trying to build a relationship with my father after hating him for all these years. And I need them to like him, since the rest of my family doesn't... He's so nice to everyone, and he tries so hard. Poor boy. <3

My best friend got to see her boyfriend again after two and a half weeks (he was on a road trip to BC), Thank god, too. She was driving me crazy. Getting all worried and lonely and depressed. I envy her perfect, sex-filled, lovey-dovey relationship. They're so into each other it depresses me a little. I mean, I'm head-over-heels in-love with my boyfriend, and he loves me... but we've been together for almost two years and he's on depression medication... he's not clingy and he's got no libido. Don't get me wrong, I love him and will be with him through the best and the worst (obviously), but I wish he could be perky and frisky again. In his own words "if my fourteen-year-old self could see me now, he'd be very disappointed".

Well on top of all of this, my friends from high school want to make plans with me, I don't even know my entire schedule (because my flute teacher is completely unreliable), I have plenty of homework I'm unmotivated to do, I want to practice flute but it's in for repair, and I still don't have my money from OSAP, which I'm expecting by Wednesday. There are so many things on my mind right now. I'm feeling lonely and depressed again. Can't even see boyfriend until Wednesday, great.

Emotional Rollercoaster called "December"

So recent events have led me to want to write...  and so, here I am.

So the past couple weeks have been all-hell!  I've been having break-downs and freak-outs all over the place like I'm an emotional maniac.  Not that I can really be blamed, right?  I mean, being an eighteen-year-old college student trying to maintain an above 80 GPA at the same time as a very important relationship and family bonding is hard.

So yes, I'm a minor in college.  What really sucks, is that I won't be nineteen until after my second semester.  So this entire year, while my friends are out drinking at the college pub or whatever, I get to sit around and pick my nose.  Yes, I have gone to a party and gotten smashed, but that doesn't mean anything.  It was my best friend's birthday party: at which, I got to hold her hair while she puked into the toilet with her ever-so-loving boyfriend holding her up to it.  What was funny is I didn't feel phased by it like I usually do.  The upside to the party?  We totally made-out and I undressed her and re-dressed her before she went to sleep (because she was too out of it to do anything herself).  Don't worry, my boyfriend knows all about it.  And her boyfriend was right there watching, just smiling and drinking his beer.

Back to school...  finals came around, and I started freaking out again, just like at mid-terms.  Because finals are what made my GPA.  If I don't maintain my above 80 GPA, I lose my scholarship.  On my scholarship, I have my government loans completely paid-off each year for four years!  Awesome, right?  So I was so worried when it came to exams, I actually studied... and to my surprise, I did REALLY well (last time I studied, I failed my test; but that was in high school).  Anyway, the good news is, I achieved an 87% GPA.  Congrats to me, eh?!

So, any of you weirdos  uhh, very caring people reading my livejournal posts know of "the boy".  Yeah, him.  The same one I wrote like a bajillion depressing posts about.  So, "the boy" is obviously my boyfriend, and has been on and off for the past two years.  After the first straight year, anyway.  He has been telling me for the past three months that he never wants to lose me again, and he loves me more than anything, and he wants to move into an apartment with me.

As much as this excites me and makes me extremely happy that the boy I love more than anything in the world feels this way, it scares me too.  This is his longest relationship, and it's starting to become his most serious one.  So that, for starters, makes me slightly nervous. After that fact, there is my relationship background.  This may not be my longest - YET! - relationship, but it is definitely the best, and always will be by far.  Why, even with all the ups and downs this past year? Because I have found and "captured" the best prize of all...  the love of my life.  He may not be perfect, or meet my family's standards, but I love him just the way he is.

Why does that scare me?  Because THIS is the most serious a relationship has been for me.  I'm so scared to lose him.  I'm scared that getting an apartment together with him could go wrong.  Don't get me wrong, I want to.  It's just an extremely large responsibility, one that requires jobs (which neither of us have), and a huge amount of time and commitment.  And to share that responsibility with someone, to take that HUGE step, and have something go wrong?  Would be a disaster.  If I move out, I want it to be for good.  I can't have things go wrong...  I can't end up back where I started...  I'm just scared.

So the last thing causing these break-downs and freak-outs (this is in chronological order of occurrence to my brain cells, by the way) is my family.  Christmas just passed.  Meaning I've seen most of my family now.  Including my father and my grandparents.  I'll start with my grandparents, because bad news always comes first.  I always say my grandparents, when it's really only my grandmother who says anything.  Every time I see her, she pushes one of my buttons,  She always goes too far when it comes to speaking her opinion, and she always says it the wrong way, too.

So on Christmas night, she approaches me about the boy.  Yeah, she knows nothing about him, yet she had to say something.  She says I'm stupid for thinking I love someone like that, who's got nothing upstairs, with no ambition, no job, who is a druggie and an alcoholic and is just like my father and my sister's fiance.  Nice way to end my day, right?  Hah, the worst hasn't even been mentioned.  She decided to have her little "scene" in front of my uncle Mark and aunt Prescilla.  My uncle Mark is my favourite blood relative, who always asks if I want to go skiing with him, even though every time, I turn him down.  I had told the boy about cette question, and he said he wanted to go.  So I was going to ask my uncle to take us skiing (even though last time I went, I found out that I'm terrible with heights, balance, and keeping my dignity on the slopes), and my grandmother decided to get him involved in the put-down fest.  So that ruined my plan and my night.  I ended up in my room crying for the rest of the night, and didn't even say goodbye.

The next day she got hit in the head with an icicle and died.

Just kidding.  She didn't die, just got blood all over, and ISN'T even going to sue the coffee shop for not taking care of their icicles.  Insane old people...

As if my grandmother attacking me isn't enough, my mother keeps inviting her over.  She lives in Kitchener.  We live in Hamilton.  We're only supposed to see her a couple times a year, not a couple times a WEEK!!! For God's sake!  So while I was reluctantly sitting at the table eating dinner with them all, my grandmother started interrogating my cousin Nicholas about my aunt Prescilla (his mother), asking him if he loves her, and if he'd like to ship her back to China.  I ended up getting so angry that I flipped the table and threatened her!

Again, I'm not that aggressive, geezus!  I just ended up getting up without saying anything and going upstairs to continue watching the iCarlathon on YTV.  I hate that she thinks it's okay to ask people things like that, and attack people like she did with me.  She's done it to my mom, her fiance, my sister, and now my cousin.  Old people drive me CRAZY!

You know, mentally unstable people deserve to me loved too, GRANDMA!  Besides, I loved that boy before he cracked.  I knew him when he was normal, and he hooked me.  That boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm not going to let him go.  I really don't care what my family thinks of it, I'm in love with him, and that's that.

O yeah, the good news.  I really enjoyed spending time with my father over the past couple days, so I've asked him to spend more time with me.  I mean, he sees my little sister twice a week, I wouldn't mind making time to go with her every once in a while or whatever.  He's a different person than he used to be, and I'd like to give him a second chance to be my dad.  Not that he can or would ever want to be with my mom again, I just mean instead of cutting him off from my life for being a bad parent while I lived with him.

Anyway, if you still don't get why I've had multiple crying sprees and anger sprouts in the past couple weeks, you're an insensitive bastard.  I've been so distracted I've been neglecting my flute, and anything else school-related.  Because I don't want more things to be frustrated about right now.

Oh, I forgot to mention.  I've also been feeling kind of rotten lately.  Like, physically.  My legs have been really sore, my stomach is constantly upset, I've had no appetite (which is NOT NORMAL), and you don't even want to know what else is wrong!  It's really not what you're thinking.  It's a bunch of tolerable pains I can deal with, it's just adding to all of the frustration and depression.

I think I've rambled on enough.  This huge entry will make up for the past month or so lacking posts.  See you all on the other side!

The Most Stressful Week of My Life...

So this week, my best friend and my flute-player friend got into an argument and refused to talk to each other.  My bestie apologized to her, even though I don't think she needed to apologize... but my flute-playing friend refused to accept her apology.  On top of this, there was an assignment that the three of us were in a group for; which we needed to get done...  Because she was mad at my bestie, flute-player wouldn't talk to me either.  That put the pressure on me and bestie to get the assignment done alone.  Completely unfair.  It took us two full days (with a sleepover and everything) to get most of it done...  there are still some changes I need to make.

The thing with this assignment is that all together after we present it, it's worth 25% of our marks, and we all get the same mark.  For bestie and I to have done all the work, I just don't think it's fair that she'll get a mark over 80 too, just because she was supposed to be in our group.  We should let her fail.  Sadly, I don't think that's an option.

So that was frustrating enough on top of the fact that I am now at school from 9 or 10 until 4pm every day now.  But of course, things had to get worse, right?  So I've been telling my boy I wanted to come over today since Sunday.  Yesterday we went for coffee for an hour, and I reminded him.  He said he'd ask and let me know if I could come over straight from school at 4.  When I called him today at 3:30, he hadn't asked yet.  I gave him an hour to ask and let me know...  I called back at 4:30 (still at school), and he hadn't asked yet.  He was still sleeping, and hadn't bothered to care that I needed to see him.

Here's the thing with the boy and my frustrations.  I don't take them out on him... but being around him makes them go away.  So, with such a stressful week (which isn't even over yet), I was hoping to go see him and relieve my stress... but no.  He can't be bothered.  So here I am, bawling my eyes out because I'm so fucking stressed out, and he just doesn't care.  I haven't been over since I slept over Friday night, I'm not going over tonight, and I can't see him tomorrow because he has plans.  It's completely unfair...

People keep telling me to take deep breaths, sleep it off... but things just keep building up, and now I'm to the point where I'm lashing out on everyone at school, and about to burst into tears constantly.  I really need time with my boyfriend, but it's not going to happen.  Things are only going to get worse until I get to see him...  which could be a while.

Fuck.  My.  Life.